Years ago I got a late call to substitute for another guitarist at fancy schmancy Halloween gig. Since it was to be a costume affair for the band as well as the guests, it didn’t really matter much if the original guitarist was there or not. Having neither time nor inclination to create my own costume, I went to a local costume shop where I was told that at such a late date there were literally ZERO adult male costumes left. Heading for the door, my little bullshit alarm went off. I stopped and asked if they had a Santa costume. On Halloween? You want a Santa outfit? Long story shortened a bit, I went as Santa. I spent the better part of the night with a plethora of slightly inebriated beautiful girls in sexy costumes virtually lining up to sit in my lap and whisper in my ear what they wanted for Christmas. At one point later on, while I was face down on a sweet Australian girl (who later became and is still my good friend), I was singing happy birthday to Jesus in my mind. Fuck Goblins. Fuck Zombies. Go Santa. Assuming you are a mostly human male of normal intelligence, with functioning testicles and penis, and you were not raised by a possessive, overbearing mother, you should be able to squeeze a pretty good time out of that scenario. Sadly, those days are over for me, so I pass the baton on to you, my younger horndog friends. Good luck, and Merry Christmas, and wear a condom.
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