Batter Up

I am not a douchebag IRL, I am a very nice guy, I do network engineering for a living, and I am away from home this week for work.

After a long day of blah blah blah, I drive to the crappy motel I booked and find a pretty packed parking lot. After hunting for a spot for a few minutes, I find this:

I don’t usually succumb to carnal thirsts like this, but something came over me and I immediately headed out to the nearest 7-11 and obtained the following items:

I am now waiting for 3 AM.

There is a sign outside, prominently stating that this particular lodging establishment gives not a single shit about property loss or damage in these parking lots, and I have a feeling that this douchebag is sleeping very soundly.

Ghetto, I find myself unable and unwilling to talk myself out of this hugely risky and stupid urge.

I am not a douchebag IRL, I am a very nice guy, I do network engineering for a living, and I am away from home this week for work.

After a long day of blah blah blah, I drive to the crappy motel I booked and find a pretty packed parking lot. After hunting for a spot for a few minutes, I find this:

I don’t usually succumb to carnal thirsts like this, but something came over me and I immediately headed out to the nearest 7-11 and obtained the following items:

I am now waiting for 3 AM.

There is a sign outside, prominently stating that this particular lodging establishment gives not a single shit about property loss or damage in these parking lots, and I have a feeling that this douchebag is sleeping very soundly.

Ghetto, I find myself unable and unwilling to talk myself out of this hugely risky and stupid urge.

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130 thoughts on “Batter Up”

  1. Chlorine in the fuel tank! Engine will be toast in no time. Also put vaseline on the rubber of the wiper blades. The fresh air vents underneath the wipers are a good place to pee in.

  2. I present you this. You have enough glue there to put on the gasket for the windows. Go let some air out of the right front and glue the schrader valve shut. Hell, two drops of that glue will do. Then glue the cap on the valve. Nanners in the tailpipe ain’t worth the trouble imho. Mustard in front of the windshield in the cowl could be pretty gross. If it’s a convertible douse the top too, maybe it’ll stain. If nothing else, write on the car; 1 car, 1 space. Hope this douche enjoys herself  with windows that won’t roll down. Go ahead and do the door locks, but they may be on an alarm and how often do you use them anymore? Everyone uses the fob. Well, enjoy…

  3. Upgrade, thank you for the tip.

    I figure speed is of the essence, silence a close second. Tranny fluid meets the bang for the buck specs required to replace the superglue as phase one. If I get cocky I’ll write a message in mustard, but I doubt I will.

    If you’re in the need for a portable mouse that doesn’t make you hate life, that is your ticket btw.

    I just did a recon walkabout, everyone is already asleep, no cameras to speak of. Maybe after tonight, but not tonight.

  4. Ah fuck, thats fucked.

    Super glue it is. fuck

    I had hoped for a very quick deployment of two bottles worth of paint destroyer…

    Fuck, now I gotta dick around with superglue.

  5. Hide dog shit under the floor mats. Pay a hobo to jerk off into a condom superglue rim of used condom to drivers seat, so when they pick it up the contents are spilled onto seat.

  6. You can pour the ATF in the fresh air intake under the wiper blades. It will go into the ac case and smell forever. The only way to unstink it is rip the dash and take the evaporator case out. 

    Also since that car looks like a BMW Z3 or 4 I would write Big Mexican Woman on the back glass with the mustard.
  7. I approve of the shenanigans that are about to ensue. I think the bananas might be a bit overkill, but it would be really funny for the BMW dealership to charge the guy over $1000 to replace the exhaust system just because he decided to be an asshole & double park. I usually just write on their driver side window with chapstick cuz if they try to get that shit off with anything other than a razor blade it will smear everywhere and become near impossible to get entirely off the window.

    Also, if there’s a pine tree around, see if you can snag some of the crystallized pine sap if there’s any coming out of it. If you light it on fire and drip it on the paint it will go through down to the metal and then the guy will be out a bunch more money and everyone will know that he was a fucking asshole.

    Also, when you’re doing this shit, wear gloves cuz the guy is definitely gonna try filing a police report when you’re done (BMWs are only driven by dickheads & doctors, both which have more money & better connections than you)

  8. After all the invisible damage, you should just put the Mustard and Bananas in a gift basket next to the car.  “Yellow foodstuffs? What is the meaning of this?!”

  9. see if you can find out what room he/she’s in, then break in their room as quietly as possible and murder them! maybe you could tie them to the bed and torture them a little teehee!  then maybe look in their wallet or phone and try and murder as many of their relatives as possible! that would be so funny!

  10. Part one complete. I decided to go on a recon pass, to test out leaving my door open (keycards are a bitch) and check the lay of the land.
    I end up taking my live payload with me just in case. 2 tubes of saw’ed off krazy glue, completely concealable, quick to deploy. 

    My approach was from the dark beyond the low green grass hill in front of the cars. The dark was actually an unlit and completely empty parking lot, surrounded by more darkness, so I could simply fade in at my own timing. I had a brown paper bag, filled with trash, and a dumpster 20 feet to the right of the car.

    I got close to it, as if admiring the finer details of its interior. I noticed a baby seat in the front passenger seat and decided that the circumstance was irrelevant to the stuation. I blew my load onto the driver side window seal, I came more than expected so I ended up getting a lot of juice on the window and had plenty run down the door.

    I put the tubes in the trash, walked the trash to the dumpster, and took the winding way back to my motel room, passing about 30 dead quiet rooms before slipping into mine and turning on the tv.

    I’m sort of ahead of schedule, and I still have atf and nanas.

  11. ………..you know super glue turns white with moister around..like in the garbage can and if you did not use gloves your prints are probably nice and white on the side of the superglue tube….just sayin.

  12. So this fuckers window is glued shut? If you have more glue, and you can get to the gas tank, try coating the threads of his gas cap with the glue, and then quickly screw it back shut, that will be a pleasant surprise next time he’s trying to fill up.

    I’m glad people like you exist to let cunts like this know that their actions have repercussions. They will never park like an asshole again, guaranteed.
  13. I just hope the owner of this car isn’t a mafia guy’s girlfriend and she calls him and has a cop on the pad dust it for prints to find out who you are and send a couple of guys to break your elbows and kneecaps

    you could be wearing gloves but they’ll probably find out anyways

  14. Man. you are one fucked dude. Satellites, man. They’re watching your every move.

    Damn, this is some good paranoia-inducing smoke!
    Gotta go shut the blinds.

    ok bye

  15. You think cops are gonna go all CSI over some rich cunt’s superglued BMW?  They’re more likely to be annoyed they have to write a report, if they’re like any cops I’ve ever known.

  16.  
    The “maybe after tonight, but not tonight.” comment was in regards to security cameras. As in they don’t have any now but they might get them installed after this…
     

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