Rather than message her privately on OKCupid, I figured I’d have a much better chance of scoring a date with a Space_Ghetto gal if I made a public post on SG and linked to her profile.
Here’s who I’m stalking this week.
Why I’m in love with her: Louis C.K. should hire her as a writer.
- One time I saw my father eat an entire cheesecake. It wasn’t something that happened accidentally, like he kept going for slice after slice and then suddenly “oops! I ate a whole cheesecake.” Dude actually went to the fridge, retrieved the cheesecake, and plopped down in his big La-Z-Boy with a fork and a steely determination in his eye. It was the sort of spectacle that made me wish pubescent gamers hadn’t sapped the word “epic” of all its potency. Getting Cool Ranch Doritos in your bag lunch is not “epic,” you useless twat. My dad silently devouring an entire cheesecake with nary an indication of discomfort, shame, or struggle is what’s fucking epic.
Why I won’t talk to her: My sense of humor sounds like Weird Al lyrics compared to hers. Also, I’m a fat hairy Jew from 80+ miles away.